Home' LOTL : October 2004 Contents ADVICE BY DAWN COHEN
BED DEATH BYPASS
Q We have been having less and less sex over the five years we have
been together, and now I have an agonising crush on a woman at
work. Please tell me this will pass. -- Lisa.
A The only thing that's going to pass if you don't take immediate action is your
relationship. Erotic energy nourishes a relationship like water sustaining a garden. Your
crush is a danger sign that something must be done urgently. You do not have months
to spare. Together you must organise an immediate appointment for couple therapy,
focussing not on the crush but on your sexual relationship with your partner. Make
regular love life dates an absolute relationship priority.
FEELINGS OF SUICIDE
Q I have been feeling suicidal, longing for a relationship I lost some
years ago. My partner controls every move I make. I am not about to
kill myself but I don't know what to do. -- At a loss.
A It is really good that you have reached for help by writing to me. Suicidal feelings
are a sign that something is very wrong, but often what is wrong is below the surface,
and it is not possible to work it out by yourself. A government-registered psychotherapist
can help you find direction. Being controlled by someone else is a form of abuse, and
a serious one. Your relationship won't be responsible for all that you are feeling but you
are locked into a relationship that is psychologically violating. The Domestic Violence
Line may also be worth calling.
CRUSHED ... AGAIN
Q A friend says I am locked in an adolescent stage of lesbianism
because I am in my forties and still keep falling for women I can't
have. If this is true, how do I get out? -- Fallen.
A If we don't study history, we are doomed to repeat it, and that applies as much to
our personal stories as to the past of a nation. You are replaying a relationship pattern
because you have not unravelled its meaning. The crush gives you a sensation of
connection, while avoiding the confronting quality of a fleshy consummation.
Somewhere in your past there is an idea or experience of relationships that hurts so
much, you don't believe you can face it, but that is exactly what you have to do. The
key to your prison is buried inside the pain. Maybe in your childhood there was a
crucial relationship with someone who was unavailable, or perhaps you have
developed a fear of closeness as a response to a frightening or confusing intimate
connection. The experiences may not have had anything to do with sex or sexuality or
adolescence. More lesbian-specific issues that many of us carry include a deep belief
that a woman can't love you or want you sexually, or a refusal to acknowledge our
own internalised lesbophobia or the lesbophobia of family, friends, colleagues and
strangers. Would someone in your family be threatened if you found a partner? Let
your mind wander freely through the possibilities without judgement. Write down
whatever thoughts or feelings come up, even if they do not make sense at first. When
you find the story of your past, allow yourself to rewrite your future -- with or without
the help of a therapist.
Q I bite my fingernails and my mother has tried everything to get me
to stop, but nothing works. Should I have counselling? -- Nubbins.
A Only if you want to resolve your issues with your mother, but otherwise keep biting
until you decide it's time to do something about it.
The opinions expressed in this column are the personal views of the
writer, they are not intended to be a substitute for professional
medical advice. If you need medical or psychological help please see
your local GP or psychologist.
Clinical Member CAPA
WHY NOT TRY
JUNGIAN ANALYSIS AND PSYCHOTHERAPY
B.Ec. Ll.B (Hons). Dipl. Anal. Psych (Zurich) IAAP
PADDINGTON 9361 3283
Specialising in issues of:
Relationship, Love and loss, Grief and despair,
Gender/culture/discrimination, Addictions, Self
esteem and panic attacks, Repeating patterns
Margaret Condonis MAPS
Phone 0425 234 507 or 02 9319 3388
Fax 02 9331 7990
Practice Address 769 Bourke St Surry Hills
and 2/67 Wanganella St Balgowlah
Issues with Self
Links Archive September 2004 November 2004 Navigation Previous Page Next Page