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THE P SPOT
By Pat Law
The royal threads churned from Armani’s newest Fall/ Winter
collection map the contours of her distinguished figure. Her
steady footsteps leave traces of Prada’s grace. Her wisdom
shows in subtle lines against her alabaster skin. Her confidence is
diffused through her eloquence. And let’s not forget the sexy Ital-
ian wheels... My fellow lesbians – meet the dangerously beautiful
Cougar. The particular breed I have been dating from the first swell
“I’ve always dated cou-
gars too,” my wife grunted
whilst meticulously past-
ing a clear screen protec-
tor over my iPhone 3G (I
on my own, so sue me).
“So how the hell did I end
up with a cub?” she asked.
I swear there was a slight
hint of resentment there.
After all, I’m the one with a
fine, sophisticated pussy for
a mobile phone stylist while
she’s stuck with a loud, crass, egoistic, ass-scratching, prankster of a
cub who considers burping post-meal a gesture of appreciation.
Never underestimate the power of a personality. It’s cheaper than
cosmetic surgery and lasts longer than any of Lindsay Lohan’s rela-
tionships. That said, never underestimate the power of Love too. In
the words of my famously critical mother, “Your wife blind, huh?”
Many have asked if I have self-esteem issues as a result of being at
the losing end of my personal swipes. Look, my mother apologised
to my relatives for “the manufacture malfunction” the day that I was
born! Can you blame me for my larger-than-life personality? I didn’t
know who Roseanne Barr was then to feel better about myself.
Contrary to the flawlessly constructed hair, skinny Evisu jeans and
a ridiculous amount of Nike sneakers, I am but an old soul beneath
this intoxicated body. Working from the age of thirteen does that to
you. The need to be the mediator between parents who should’ve
gotten a divorce two decades ago does that to you. Knowing that
one of the girls you used to hang out with leaped to her death af-
ter one too many snorts ... does that to you. I’ve never quite fit in
with people my age nor did I relate to the priorities they had then. I
mean, while I was going, “Oh god, I can’t find mum and it’s three in
the morning,” they were thinking, ‘Oh god, where’s my hair clip? I
swear I’m going to cry if I lose it! It was my favourite!’ Needless to
say, I wasn’t very popular in school.
Dating older women was a natural progression for me. Our pri-
orities are more aligned, we share similar interests, and seriously,
I don’t need anyone’s mother phoning me accusing me of being a
bad influence – Yes Ma’am, indeed I am a bad influence. I smoke. I
drink. I swear and I like girls with perky breasts like your daughter’s.
Speaking of whom, don’t you think she’s capable of making her own
My cougar hunting habits and my need to date someone signifi-
cantly older is perhaps an extension of my need to offset how I have
always felt with peers of my age. Ironically, I feel younger with my
cougars. And I realise I need youth in my life, for otherwise, I’d be
as grumpy as your ugly, fat lesbian lawyer.
Yes Ma’am, I am
a bad influence.
I smoke. I drink.
I swear and I like
girls with perky
breasts ... like
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