Home' LOTL : August 2005 Contents 45
By Dawn Cohen
QMy girlfriend is sleazing over other girls. She says it does not mean
anything. She always says from the moment we do the crossword
in the morning to love-making in the evening she thinks only of me.
But I am really hurt because we have just moved in together.
ABeware the girlfriend who says her sleaze means nothing. Sleaze is
a sign of an underlying issue, but like a clue to a cryptic it does not
always seem that way. Firstly, your girl could not possibly be
thinking only of you all day. She must surely take a few moments to
consider her stomach or the traffic. Yeah, I know what she means, but the
fact that she put it that way tells me she believes she should not have
passions and interests of any kind separate from you. Relationships
survive when both togetherness and separateness are allowed.
If a partner fears loss of their separate identity, then any move towards
greater intimacy will be threatening. Moving in together is wonderful, but
most people must process fear of losing themselves with the increased
commitment. Your partner is swilling a double dose of terror. Talk it over
with her. A hobby that you don't share would be a more constructive
way for her to express her individuality.
QI have never been happy at work. At first I thought it was the wrong
office, then the wrong employer. But now I am thinking it's
something wrong with me. -- Dissatisfied dyke.
AMost jobs aren't designed to make you happy but rather to make
your boss money. It is possible you are expecting too much.
Perhaps you have hidden values about what you should be doing
or achieving based on your parents' expectations rather than your own.
Make a list of the characteristics of the perfect job. Then make a list of
the characteristics of a job that would make you happy on a daily basis.
You may be surprised to discover there is a difference.
QI gave up smoking for five years, but a few months go I started up
again in a period of stress. It is only one or two a day, but I am
constantly remorseful, and each time I light up, I hate myself for
being so stupid. But still I light up. -- Pathetic puffer.
Apart of you that hates yourself is under the illusion your smoking is
the choice of a sane mind that can therefore be condemned for
being stupid. In reality your smoking comes from the serious mental
illness of addiction, not stupidity. Addiction is so hard because it infects
the mind that is your only tool for giving the drug away. You need an
uninfected mind to help you get free. The only way around the problem is
to recognise you cannot trust your own thoughts around smoking, and get
professional help. Stop hating yourself and start recognising you are in the
grip of a potentially fatal illness. Physical, psychological and spiritual
therapies can restore you to the wellness you have already proved yourself
able to achieve.
The opinions expressed in this column are the personal views of the writer. They
are not intended to be a substitute for professional advice. If you need medical
or psychological help please see your local GP or psychologist.
Beware the girlfriend who says her sleaze
means nothing. Sleaze is a sign of an
underlying issue, but like a clue to a cryptic
it does not always seem that way.
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