Home' LOTL : July 2005 Contents 43
By Dawn Cohen
QWhat you see is what you get with me. I don't gossip but I don't believe
in secrets either. Sometimes my friends feel they can't trust me. Isn't
honesty the best policy? -- Frankly speaking.
AThe trickiest people are the ones who sincerely believe they are
straightforward. Notice how you have not spelt out what you say that
upsets friends? I am guessing they can't trust you to hold a confidence.
You need to get honest with yourself. Are you getting a hidden need met
through your boundary breaking?
At first you will reject this possibility as ridiculous, but focus on how it feels to
divulge the secrets and consider why it is satisfying. Also look at secrets and
boundaries from your childhood.
We all must find a balance between being open and closed, particularly
when dealing with information about others. There are some people who are
simply outspoken and direct but they don't habitually break boundaries.
Their actions will engender deep loyalty from some, and provoke anger and
fear in others , rather than generalised mistrust.
SEEKS SEWING CIRCLE
QWhen I was straight I had a large social circle, but although I have been
out for three years, I only have two good dyke friends. Could it be that
I am not a proper lesbian? -- Samantha, Haberfield.
AIf there was a Mardi Gras float for Sydney lesbians who were lonely, it
could stretch the entire route. Except everyone blames themselves, so
no one would want to be on it. You are a proper lesbian, Sam, and one
who clearly has social skills.
City dwellers, over stimulated by crowds, traffic and noise are often less open
to new people, creating a social hurdle for women coming out. New lesbians
are more likely to be looking for friends. While the coming out process is
momentous, it doesn't automatically mean you have enough in common to
become best mates forever.
Stay open! You will make more friends with time and patience. But don't
assume your new friendship network will look like your old heterosexual one.
Lesbians have different ways of relating for all sorts of reasons, and there will
be unforeseen losses and gains.
QI am not happy. I thought becoming a lesbian would cure me of a
discontent I have always had. Then I tried losing weight but it's still
there. Maybe I should travel or go back to boys. -- Still searching.
ANeither boys nor girls nor a new outfit will wash out your inner
discomfort. It is not a stain on the surface of your being. Something is
wrong inside. The journey you need to take is an inward one. The shape
it takes is up to you. Meditation, yoga and psychotherapy are all appropriate
modes of transport as long as they are deep, long-term, and guided by
someone who really knows what they are doing.
Long-term, psychoanalytic psychotherapy with a comparatively non-
homophobic, government-registered therapist is the first class coach, in
The opinions expressed in this column are the personal views of the writer. They are
not intended to be a substitute for professional advice. If you need medical or
psychological help please see your local GP or psychologist.
"If there was a Mardi Gras float for
Sydney lesbians who were lonely,
it could stretch the entire route."
One to One Counselling and Education
Depression, Anxiety, Addictions, Relationship Issues,
Adult survivors of sexual abuse
4a/79-85 Oxford Street Bondi Junction NSW 2022
Tel: (02) 9386 5356
Health fund rebates available
RN, BA MApp Psych, MAPS, MCN
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