Home' LOTL : April 2005 Contents 35
By Dawn Cohen
QMy girlfriend came and hit me two weeks after she left me, saying
she did not love me for the last two months. The police were called
and I am seeing a domestic violence counselor, but it feels like
Band-Aid help. If I saw her in the street I would want to hit her in the face
ten times harder. How can I get over her? -- Wounded.
AIn your long note to me you focus on all that is wrong with your
girlfriend, and there is no question there is plenty to say, given her abuse
of you. But maybe you sense that her violence has triggered off some
deeper issues in yourself. Hate and rage can be a healthy response to a
violation, but if it goes on too long it can bind you to your abuser. Violence in
thought as well as action is a very intimate bond, and one of the most
destructive there is. The more you let yourself obsess about her, the harder it
will be to let go of her. I am not sure why you describe your counselling as a
Band-Aid. Perhaps it is not deep enough or maybe you want a quick fix when
your rage and sense of injustice is so big. Talk it over with your counsellor.
QMobile phones everywhere drive me mad. My girlfriend has two
phones, and she often uses both to talk to two people at the same
time. I don't know how she does it. She says I am uncool and trying
to run her life. She says my need to control her is a symptom of my
problems. (I go to Al-Anon and we are both in recovery). -- Unmobile.
AYour girlfriend likes fashion and buzz, you like a quieter time. No
problem if you acknowledge you are attracted to the opposite in each
other. It is not just that you want to control her. Presumably if she is on
two phones at the same time that is leaving little room for you. Never talk
about her phone habits in a critical or dismissive way. Rather, keep the focus
on how it is a problem for you. That way you are walking on the right side of
naming your issues without intruding on her personal choices when she is
away from you. It is a difficult line to find, but discover it once, and you will
know how to look for it on a range of other issues.
THE 'C' WORD
QMardi Gras is over and done, and I realise I am over it. For ten
years, I was excited to be part of a lesbian and gay community, but
not any more. I don't want it back, but I do feel a little depressed
and lonely. -- Adrift.
AThere are times in life when belonging is more important than feeling
separate. At other phases in a person's journey when there is an intense
need to experience yourself as an individual, even at the price of a little
loneliness. You have had a big dose of belonging to a large group with all the
joys that can bring. But possibly it was becoming a little stifling. Let yourself
go with the flow of where you are at now, and find the rewards in it. You might
swing back to community later on, or perhaps you will find a new
understanding of belonging that feeds you more.
The opinions expressed in this column are the personal views of the writer. They are
not intended to be a substitute for professional advice. If you need medical or
psychological help please see your local GP or psychologist.
"Violence in thought as well as action
is a very intimate bond, and one of the
most destructive there is. The more you
let yourself obsess about her, the
harder it will be to let go of her."
Ph: 0402 428 075
P.O. Box 1722, Gosford, 2250
available after hours
ADDICTIONS AND RELATIONSHIPS COUNSELLING SERVICE
ABN: 25 019 058 972
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