Home' LOTL : February 2005 Contents 45
By Dawn Cohen
QMy girlfriend and I were party girls when we met five years ago. I
no longer want or need recreational drugs. We want to give each
other the freedom to have individual life choices, but she wants
to party all night and now I can't stay up that late. -- Non-Euphoric.
ALots of people give away drugs as they get older because their livers
tell them their bodies can't take it any more. But when one member
of a couple changes on this issue and the other does not, fireworks
Every relationship needs a playground, and yours used to be the dance
party life style. It will take time and talk to find another, and to sustain your
relationship while you explore it.
Meanwhile, negotiate how often, and under what circumstances, she can
party without you. If it's just a few times a year, drag yourself along and sleep
in the car or do something else that night. If not, be very clear with each
other on the limits that are acceptable to you both.
WORKING GIRL WIFE
QI couldn't wait for my workaholic wife to quit her full-time job. At
first it was great to have more time together but now she is
driving me mad re-arranging the cupboards, making a huge mess
of the kitchen and talking non-stop. I feel terrible, but I am secretly
wishing she were back to her 9am to 9pm work hours. -- Guilty spouse.
AYou are going through what heterosexuals describe as the retirement
syndrome, when men who have worked all their lives drive their wives
mad when they stop. Your partner is having trouble adjusting to the
big hole in her life that work used to occupy, and so are you.
It is difficult right now but that does not mean the change is wrong. If she
faces the discomforting emptiness rather than jamming it full of other stuff
she will find a new life, and together you will create a workable daily rhythm.
Both of you need time to adapt to the change. Meanwhile, negotiate to have
some silence when you are both home, and some hours when you have the
house to yourself.
COMING OUT BURDEN
QAll my friends think it is so cute that my brother is coming out as
gay -- he is spending more time with them than I am. I am the only
one in the family he can talk to about his angst and I am tired of
explaining him to our other relatives. I don't want to hurt his feelings but
he is becoming a burden. -- Suffering sister.
AYour brother has entered your world and you feel invaded. I am
guessing he is younger than you are and this is a déjà vu from your
childhood when his birth took up space in the family that previously
was yours alone.
Your friends should stay being your friends not his, and you don't have to
take him everywhere with you just because you are both gay. Unless he is
abusive in some way, be a supportive sister, but let him find his own feet in
the gay world. As for being a go-between with the family, you should just
wear that unless it's a repeat of a destructive way of relating for you.
The opinions expressed in this column are the personal views of the writer, they
are not intended to be a substritute got professional medical advice. If you need
medical of psychological help please see your local GP or psychologist.
"Every relationship needs a playground,
and yours used to be the dance party life
style. It will take time and talk to find
another, and to sustain your relationship
while you explore it."
Links Archive March 2005 January 2005 Navigation Previous Page Next Page